Milk, But No Baby

The following is written from the point of view of Thursday, December 2nd, 2021. Five days after Benjamin was born. Today felt like a milestone. But first I have to explain why. Monday night my milk came in, which felt horrible and unfair, not to mention VERY physically painful. All my thoughts went about like... Continue Reading →

Riptide

This is a poem I wrote in the first few weeks after our son Benjamin Milo died. Riptide I was just swimming,Enjoying the movementOf the waves around me.Ducking under, feeling their push,Rising again. Then a wave I didn’t see comingPushed me underAnd spun me around.Gasping and reeling,I take in my new landscape. I’m much farther... Continue Reading →

Benjamin Milo

On December 18th, 2021, we buried our son Benjamin Milo with family and friends gathered around us. Nathanael and I both shared pieces we had written in the days since Benjamin's birth and death. Below is what I read that day. To read Nathanael's two pieces, see the posts titled "Counted" and "Why?" Benjamin Milo By... Continue Reading →

Into the Darkness

“I kind of thought this would happen,” our wise-beyond-her-years and yet-so-innocent six-year-old said when we told her her baby brother I’d been pregnant with just a day before had died. “Why did you think that?” I asked her. “Because it’s happened so many times before,” she said. She’s right. We’ve been down this road before,... Continue Reading →

The Third First Year

A year ago, I was pregnant. It's very strange to me to think about the fact that it's been a full year since my last pregnancy. Not much longer into the night at this time last year, I began the worst deja vu type of experience as my body reenacted our first miscarriage with excruciating... Continue Reading →

A Year Without Josiah

Around this time one year ago, Nathanael and I were heading to the ER in Springfield, IL to find out if we were losing our baby. All physical signs pointed to "probably," though given the month leading up to that point, there was also a good chance of "maybe not." The toss-up was paralyzing. Should... Continue Reading →

Normal Male—a poem

"Normal male." That's all the report said. Not what they tested for, Or any details of their definitions. Simply: "Normal male." And I wonder, Is that all you are To that lab technician? Can they only see each sample As its technical result? I suppose it would be too much To see, day after day,... Continue Reading →

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